Right now, I have no future. By that, I mean in the future, my life will not have improved in any way from the life that I am living now. In fact, the possibility of my life worsening than the one I am living now is great. You might be wondering: "So what are you trying to say?"
I'm trying to say that I have two options from here on end. I can either:
(1) Live my life the way it is now. Ignore the gawks and stares, and shield my face from mirrors and from people walking towards me from across the street. Live like nothing's wrong. To accept that I am undiagnosed and that I will not find what is wrong with me for the rest of my life. To be an outcast, almost everywhere I go. Be a public humiliation. To be a burdan on my family and friends.
or (2) End my life. No more suffering. Peace and nothingness.
I've been thinking alot about death, and the reprocussions that it might have on my family and people I know. Do the benefits outweigh the cons? I don't know.
All I know is that I am human. I am a selfish, sinful human being. I make choices depending on a situation. I am faulty and I am far less than perfect for sure. This is why I am considering suicide. Because I am a sinner and I don't always make the right decisions - this is what makes humans humans. Whether or not the decision is a good or bad one, it is mine. I have the power to do what it is I want to do with my own life. This is me - Sin Young Jenny Park - taking control of my life.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Another Update
I emailed the Calgary Health Region yesterday. I told them my situation and I asked them for help. I got an email back from a lady who recieved my email and left her office number. Of course, I called her back and all she said was that I needed to ask my GP for more referrals to specialists. She could not offer anything more than that.
I had an appointment with my GP that afternoon. We started the convo with my bowel problems and she started going off about high fiber diets. I swear to God one more person tells me that I'm not getting enough fiber..After almost 5 years, don't ya think I've tried that already?! God damn it. Anyways, she wants me to see a dietician. I said that I'll try it so I can just get on her good side for what I really wanted..referral to a urologist. I told her about how I went to the emergency at the Rockyview and how I got xrays, blood tests, and ultrasound done. She never got the reports!! Wth?? Anyways, she said after she gets the reports, she'll "probably send me to a urologist".
I called the clinic where she works and ask the receptionist about how I will know if the doc got my reports or not. The woman very rudely says "well, it's not our top priority to inform you on these things". Like, I understand that they call ppl with problems, but she said it in a way that implied: "uh..I hope you're joking". W/e I heard receptionists in that clinic are rude.
I am planning to call the rockyview today and asking if they sent my report to her..
I'm fed up.. and these days I'm thinking alot about my existence here.. I'm asking alot of questions to God.. Why? Why am I going through this? Why me? What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to live like this? I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!!!
When I think back to the way I used to be..it's SO painful to know that I'm different now. When I think of myself and who I am..I think of me when I was healthy..but when I look in the mirror..when I see the way others act towards me..I know something is horribly wrong. I miss my old self with all of my being. I miss being happy and healthy and worrying about those stupid little things that normal teenage girls worry about. Now, I don't know who I am anymore. I ABSOLUTELY HATE looking into the mirror every morning. I absolutely DISPISE the thing looking back at me. I want to kill it. Make it go away..
I saw a documentary on this old man who was seeking to end his life. His wife passed away recently and he was progressively going blind.. and there was nothing the doctors could do about it. He has lived his whole life independant, and he feared the day that would come when he had to depend on his children to guide him through his everyday life. He said that death would give him relief. That the thought of dying put him at ease. Death was a celebration, and not a time for grief. When there is absolute guarantee that the future holds nothing but suffering, he said that dying is a merciful and humane thing. He passed away shortly after the documentary was filmed. He got his hands on this substance called Bariack (?) which if drank in large doses, the person would fall into a deep sleep and die. How he attained his substance, no one knows. It can only be attained by prescription and it's illegal for doctors to aid in suicide.
Everyone has a right to live, but what about the right to die?
If one is suffering in life which holds definate promise of more pain in the future, must they go on with life because it's illegal? Is that not more inhumane? Do they not have a right to die with dignity instead of creeping around at night alone and ending their lives in that way? Everyone should have absolute control over their lives. I believe this with all of my heart.
I had an appointment with my GP that afternoon. We started the convo with my bowel problems and she started going off about high fiber diets. I swear to God one more person tells me that I'm not getting enough fiber..After almost 5 years, don't ya think I've tried that already?! God damn it. Anyways, she wants me to see a dietician. I said that I'll try it so I can just get on her good side for what I really wanted..referral to a urologist. I told her about how I went to the emergency at the Rockyview and how I got xrays, blood tests, and ultrasound done. She never got the reports!! Wth?? Anyways, she said after she gets the reports, she'll "probably send me to a urologist".
I called the clinic where she works and ask the receptionist about how I will know if the doc got my reports or not. The woman very rudely says "well, it's not our top priority to inform you on these things". Like, I understand that they call ppl with problems, but she said it in a way that implied: "uh..I hope you're joking". W/e I heard receptionists in that clinic are rude.
I am planning to call the rockyview today and asking if they sent my report to her..
I'm fed up.. and these days I'm thinking alot about my existence here.. I'm asking alot of questions to God.. Why? Why am I going through this? Why me? What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to live like this? I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!!!
When I think back to the way I used to be..it's SO painful to know that I'm different now. When I think of myself and who I am..I think of me when I was healthy..but when I look in the mirror..when I see the way others act towards me..I know something is horribly wrong. I miss my old self with all of my being. I miss being happy and healthy and worrying about those stupid little things that normal teenage girls worry about. Now, I don't know who I am anymore. I ABSOLUTELY HATE looking into the mirror every morning. I absolutely DISPISE the thing looking back at me. I want to kill it. Make it go away..
I saw a documentary on this old man who was seeking to end his life. His wife passed away recently and he was progressively going blind.. and there was nothing the doctors could do about it. He has lived his whole life independant, and he feared the day that would come when he had to depend on his children to guide him through his everyday life. He said that death would give him relief. That the thought of dying put him at ease. Death was a celebration, and not a time for grief. When there is absolute guarantee that the future holds nothing but suffering, he said that dying is a merciful and humane thing. He passed away shortly after the documentary was filmed. He got his hands on this substance called Bariack (?) which if drank in large doses, the person would fall into a deep sleep and die. How he attained his substance, no one knows. It can only be attained by prescription and it's illegal for doctors to aid in suicide.
Everyone has a right to live, but what about the right to die?
If one is suffering in life which holds definate promise of more pain in the future, must they go on with life because it's illegal? Is that not more inhumane? Do they not have a right to die with dignity instead of creeping around at night alone and ending their lives in that way? Everyone should have absolute control over their lives. I believe this with all of my heart.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Mourning Mornings
Waking up in the mornings are hard. Realizing that I have to wake up and pick up from where I left off 5 years ago is hard. I just wish I knew what was wrong. I KNOW that I would love life again if I did.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Long overdue update
I'm drawing a blank here..I don't know where to start. My sister's in Montreal right now. I miss her alot. She's going to McGill University. She's so smart.
So it's almost the end of summer, and I didn't accomplish what I wanted to do this summer - Find what's wrong with me. I had some proceedures done, though.
-MRI (nothing, perfect brain and normal pituitary gland..so the cushings theory can go in the shitter).
-endoscopy (nothing)
-colonoscopy (b/c my celiac test for ttg in the blood came out positive-the doc said it was only slightly high- and he didn't find anything except for nodular mucosa of the ileum which is another name for nodular hyperplasia, which is normal in some young people - that's what the doc said).
-doc at the university prescribed me diuretic pills. They work ok, but not all of my swelling goes away. I still feel a tightness..I went back a second time and he prescribed me diuretics..AGAIN. I may have access to diuretics for the rest of my university life.
-found a woman doctor close to my home who found white blood cells in my urine the first urine test and traces of white, red blood cells and protein in my urine the second urine test. She gave me antibiotics even though she cultured the urine and there was no growth (no infection). She SUGGESTED a urologist, but not referred. Fuck. NOTE: I'm pretty sure the blood in the urine is from the diuretics. Along time ago, I took herbal diuretics and went to a clinic and the doc found blood cells in my urine. I'm pretty sure it's cause of that.
-appt with gastro. He said to eat lots of fiber and if that doesn't work, to come back (yay, an invitation from a doc for me to return?? a first) FML. Doesn't he know that I've tried that before. Idiot.
-I went to the ER at the rockyview out of frustration. Got blood, urine tests done and an xray of the abdomen and an ultrasound (found that i was very constipated -doc said i have around 5 pounds of shit in me). The urine test came back with bacteria in it..the doc said that's normal in alot of ppl, so i dunno why he mentioned it.
-I'm currently trying alternative medicine. I don't think it's working and it's retarded how my parents have to shell out 60 bucks for every accupunture appt. If anything, I think I'm getting my period becasue of this. I'm not bleeding yet, but my boobs are sore.always means one thing.
I guess my next step is to see the doc near my house. Maybe she'll refer me to a urologist (my planned next step).
I'm getting really depressed..My jaws are widening and my adams apple seems to be protruding outwards/growing. I'm turning into a dude. Yay.
So it's almost the end of summer, and I didn't accomplish what I wanted to do this summer - Find what's wrong with me. I had some proceedures done, though.
-MRI (nothing, perfect brain and normal pituitary gland..so the cushings theory can go in the shitter).
-endoscopy (nothing)
-colonoscopy (b/c my celiac test for ttg in the blood came out positive-the doc said it was only slightly high- and he didn't find anything except for nodular mucosa of the ileum which is another name for nodular hyperplasia, which is normal in some young people - that's what the doc said).
-doc at the university prescribed me diuretic pills. They work ok, but not all of my swelling goes away. I still feel a tightness..I went back a second time and he prescribed me diuretics..AGAIN. I may have access to diuretics for the rest of my university life.
-found a woman doctor close to my home who found white blood cells in my urine the first urine test and traces of white, red blood cells and protein in my urine the second urine test. She gave me antibiotics even though she cultured the urine and there was no growth (no infection). She SUGGESTED a urologist, but not referred. Fuck. NOTE: I'm pretty sure the blood in the urine is from the diuretics. Along time ago, I took herbal diuretics and went to a clinic and the doc found blood cells in my urine. I'm pretty sure it's cause of that.
-appt with gastro. He said to eat lots of fiber and if that doesn't work, to come back (yay, an invitation from a doc for me to return?? a first) FML. Doesn't he know that I've tried that before. Idiot.
-I went to the ER at the rockyview out of frustration. Got blood, urine tests done and an xray of the abdomen and an ultrasound (found that i was very constipated -doc said i have around 5 pounds of shit in me). The urine test came back with bacteria in it..the doc said that's normal in alot of ppl, so i dunno why he mentioned it.
-I'm currently trying alternative medicine. I don't think it's working and it's retarded how my parents have to shell out 60 bucks for every accupunture appt. If anything, I think I'm getting my period becasue of this. I'm not bleeding yet, but my boobs are sore.always means one thing.
I guess my next step is to see the doc near my house. Maybe she'll refer me to a urologist (my planned next step).
I'm getting really depressed..My jaws are widening and my adams apple seems to be protruding outwards/growing. I'm turning into a dude. Yay.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Lives of Girls and Women
"..Jesus had lost touch with God. Yes, it had happened, even to Him. He had lost the connection, and then in the darkness He had cried out in despair. But this too was part of the plan, it was necessary. It was so we should know in our own blackest moments that our doubts, our misery had been shared by Christ Himelf, and then, knowing this, our doubts would all the more quickly pass." (pg. 104)
Friday, March 27, 2009
Johnny Cash - Hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Symptoms Update
A simple (or not so simple) timeline of my medical history:
2003/4- got first period
(never regular)
2006- started on Yasmin (oral contraceptive)
- VERY stressful year. Missionary to Victoria BC, started getting depressed.
- stopped exercising, buried myself in school. Stopped going out.
- stopped taking b/c pill after major mood swings and weight gain.
2007- started to exercise again. First workout in a long time= VERY STRANGE. Significant decrease in urine output. Retained fluid. Thought nothing of it, continued daily exercise and drank fluids regularly like always.
- After every workout, retention worsened, progressive decrease in urine output.
- VERY fatigued throughout days. Smelled metal/gasoline.
- Stopped exercising, and after few weeks, fluid retention got better. Noticed increase in urine output. Noticed cloudy urine.
- Same pattern (even today) decrease in urine output and fluid retention after a workout. Purple stretch marks on inner theighs.
2008- constipation and diarrhea (one extreme to the other every month).
-diarrhea more frequent. VERY watery, uncontrollable bouts (felt like I was peeing out my a**) Decrease in urine output still.
-still having irregular periods
-notice diarrhea WORSENS after any fluid intake.
-took immodium to control diarrhea. Persistent edema and fatigue.
2009- Darkened skin. Thick hairs above lip. Bruise easily and heal slowly. DEPRESSION (taking St. John's Wort), persistent headaches. Still have irregular periods (every 4-5 months). Facial changes** because of edema (starting to look older, haggard, and manly.. past and present photos (only 3 years apart) look like different persons). Depression hits hard in the mornings.
2003/4- got first period
(never regular)
2006- started on Yasmin (oral contraceptive)
- VERY stressful year. Missionary to Victoria BC, started getting depressed.
- stopped exercising, buried myself in school. Stopped going out.
- stopped taking b/c pill after major mood swings and weight gain.
2007- started to exercise again. First workout in a long time= VERY STRANGE. Significant decrease in urine output. Retained fluid. Thought nothing of it, continued daily exercise and drank fluids regularly like always.
- After every workout, retention worsened, progressive decrease in urine output.
- VERY fatigued throughout days. Smelled metal/gasoline.
- Stopped exercising, and after few weeks, fluid retention got better. Noticed increase in urine output. Noticed cloudy urine.
- Same pattern (even today) decrease in urine output and fluid retention after a workout. Purple stretch marks on inner theighs.
2008- constipation and diarrhea (one extreme to the other every month).
-diarrhea more frequent. VERY watery, uncontrollable bouts (felt like I was peeing out my a**) Decrease in urine output still.
-still having irregular periods
-notice diarrhea WORSENS after any fluid intake.
-took immodium to control diarrhea. Persistent edema and fatigue.
2009- Darkened skin. Thick hairs above lip. Bruise easily and heal slowly. DEPRESSION (taking St. John's Wort), persistent headaches. Still have irregular periods (every 4-5 months). Facial changes** because of edema (starting to look older, haggard, and manly.. past and present photos (only 3 years apart) look like different persons). Depression hits hard in the mornings.
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